I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
