Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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