her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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