Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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