i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
