margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
