At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize