that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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