The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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