After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
