I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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