When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
