He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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