well I can't set my house on fire every night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
