Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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