You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
