Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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