someone owes me an orgasm
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize