This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
