She's JV to your varsity
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
