The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
