Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
