dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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