Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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