How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
