just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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