I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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