I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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