sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This toilet bowl is my home.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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