dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
