Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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