Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
