Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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