im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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