I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
