You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
