Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
