What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
