im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
