someone get that fucking seahorse.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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