I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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