Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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