You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
this is an emotional support booty call
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
