it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
