My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
