Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
