i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
