At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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