She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
