Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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