dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
