and i looked up. we had an audience...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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