Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
