that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
