Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
