he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
