were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
