it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
