theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
