So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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